Archive for May, 2002

Shopping for Sex

Saturday, May 25th, 2002

a new one. tv does strange things to your mind. studies show that your brain’s alpha waves drop to below sleep levels. so how is it possible that it could raise sexual desires? read on my pavlovian friends.

it started as a means to cover up what was going on. her roommate would be home and we would need something more than a closed door to make our privacy complete. most people would have turned on the stereo to some mood music, but i guess we’re not most people. that and we don’t have a stereo in the bedroom. go figure. so, i turned on the television.

as i’m flipping through the chanels to find the perfect broadcast to fuck to i was daunted by the complexities of the problem. she just wanted to get off, but i need the satisfaction of being apropriate. no kids shows and no news, that would have just made it rubbery. no hot chicks, i didn’t want to be caught peeking over her shoulder when one of them is on the screen. thats as good as cheating. in general, i wanted no real distraction that would put a damper on my love making.

i was looking for the tv equivelant of muzak.

finding the right station happend quicker that i had expected, lucky for her. the rabbit ears severly inhibit our media rich age. click. click. click. and here we have this lovely pendant. you can see by the size of this stone we are giving you an amazing deal. oh, and the craftsmanship is exquisite. with our ezpay you can have this sent to your door for only three payments of $25.95.

the home shopping network. a channel for dead people. and apperintly the perfect fuck show. nothing of interest, no pretty girls, no fast cuts, and no pertinent information. yet still loud enough with the door closed to keep the roomate from complaining about how often we have sex.

this lovely pant suit set was designed exclusivly for us by some nobody who is pretending to be from europe but is actually living with his mom in west virginia. for the next five minutes the sales personality made up bullshit about the same ugly buisiness atire while we went at it. then a fake silk sundress. then a rhinestone broach. a purse. a toolset. a rotary grinder.

after we had finished, i lay there and the person on the tv told me how perfect a food processor would go with the moment. fellas, she will love you forever if you were to buy her this amazing piece of equipment for her kitchen. it would go great with olive pitter, item number 425-668 we had earlier in the hour. i’ll tell you what, i have one of these at home and i use it every day! every single day. i can make my own peanut butter and gazpacho and meat pudding. eazy a pie. hell, you can make pie too!

she almost had me convinced to buy the damn thing when i drifted off to sleep and had sex tainted tv shopping dreams. home shopping pornography is something i don’t want to think about too often. especially when it involves kitchen equipment.

we use that trick and even that station when we need that little extra privacy. to this day i still get horny when i flip past the home shopping network.

pavlov would have loved me.

yeah, you can tell how much i care…

Monday, May 20th, 2002

yeah, you can tell how much i care… i’m thrashing around looking for something, anything, to upload. i have to appease all of those angry fans out there. yeah, right. one of these days i will get a nice system worked out, but not today.